Paradoxes

I haven’t really been sure what to think these past few days, as I’ve approached my thirtieth birthday. I’ve had a particularly hard time just facing the average workday recently, feeling as though my efforts are largely boring and devoid of purpose. On the other hand, I’ve also found creative solace in a number of personal projects of varying degrees. In these business and personal pursuits alike, I’ve had hit-or-miss success — one minute cranking out marketing documents with reckless abandon, and the next minute unable to even finish a paragraph. Quite paradoxical.

In the end, I have to admit that these last few endlessly contradictory days have had nothing at all to do with the “milestone” birthday I’m about to celebrate next week; undoubtedly neither my body nor my mind gives a damn about such minutiae. These phases come and go; there are always times now and again when I just can’t seem to muster the will to care about anything.

To that end, I’ve been spending the meantime simply going wherever my mind wishes to go. As if to prove that turning thirty hasn’t changed the things that are important to me, my most recent personal project has involved going back to the stories I wrote between 1987 and 1995, on an old DOS-based word processor called First Choice. Since 64-bit operating systems are becoming the norm, and 16-bit code (like DOS apps) can’t be executed natively on them, I decided suddenly that it was time to convert the whole kit ‘n’ kaboodle to a more modern format, like Word or RTF or something.

So I’ve been going back to the classics, the ancient dreck I wrote between the ages of seven and fifteen. This, too, has been a contradictory experience: So much of what I wrote back then was utterly horrible, and yet there are gems that still make me smile when I read them, wondering how they’ve managed to hold up for so many years. The conversion process itself is essentially manual (what few utilities exist don’t do a competent enough job to be worthwhile), and far more arduous than I expected, but I’ve already converted some 50-60 stories and have put them all on my iPhone for reading whenever the mood strikes.

Meanwhile, some other changes are also afoot, changes which I hope will make life a little more interesting. One of my bosses (the one who’s also a friend) and his family are likely going to move back to Florida, to this very area in fact. Not only will it be great, personally, for both my wife and I to have more friends to hang out with, but having one of the owners of this company back in my neck of the woods can only strengthen my position here. Lately I’ve been feeling marginalized and neglected as the sole remaining employee left in Florida, and perhaps having one of the Big Bosses™ in my corner will help.

I had hoped to write more than this, but the paradoxical phase I’m in doesn’t seem to be over yet. Despite having a variety of ideas with which I wanted to infuse this post, I could never figure out how to put them into words. (Having the Olympics on in the background hasn’t helped my concentration.) This entry will have to stand as-is, perhaps as little more than a reminder that yes, I’m still here. Even if I don’t feel compelled to post much of late.

It’s going to be a busy weekend, with the Asian Festival taking place at the Mercato, my parents coming into town and the possibility that I might see Shutter Island, a movie that I’ve been wanting to watch since I put down the book upon which it’s based. With all of that going on, maybe I’ll have something to post here again soon. Stranger things have happened.

3 Comments

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  Apple February 17, 2010 at 12:18 pm

  I definitely felt your paradoxes yesterday. I had been in that position before and hardly took care of myself. Hope you feel better with time goes by.

  Happy to see you post again though:)

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  MichiganMom February 17, 2010 at 7:58 pm

  You and I are on the same wavelength re paradoxes and work and the whole meaning of life stuff. Must be a Pisces thing. At least I don’t have a “milestone birthday” coming up

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  MichiganMom February 17, 2010 at 7:59 pm

  But yes, looking very forward to Shutter Island. I just hope I don’t get terminally frightened.

  Reply