Oddball Update

In just over a week, Apple and I will be embarking upon the next episode of what has become an annual ritual: a vacation to Disney World. Since 1988, this miniature city on the outskirts of Orlando has been woven into my life in some form or another, and over the years I’ve regarded the House of Mouse with many different perspectives.

For the first decade or so, I loved everything about Disney World. As I went through my “teenage angst” years, I became somewhat disenchanted, rejecting the commercialism and Disney/ABC’s role in what I saw was censorship of imported media properties, particularly those from Japan. In the following years I got married, started a career, became a homeowner and found zillions more things to worry about besides such media matters, leading me to, once again, take a very favorable view of Disney’s premier theme park.

Ironically, it was during those “teenage angst” years that my parents became members of the Disney Vacation Club, a long-term program into which they pay a fixed amount of money each year, and in return receive an allowance of “points” that they can spend on Disney vacations, or even at Disney partner hotels around the world. The program is so long-term, in fact, that it’s the sort of thing that may eventually be handed to my wife and I. When my parents were considering becoming members, they asked me if I thought it was something I might use one day. Well, honestly, I was a seventeen year old computer geek with no hope of bringing a girl home anytime soon; the very last thing I could see myself doing was going by myself to Disney World. Thankfully, my apathy at the time didn’t convince my parents not to go forward. Since then, their Vacation Club membership has become a very appreciated asset, in more ways than one.

So it’s once again thanks to said Vacation Club membership that we’ll be spending a few days in Orlando this month. Unlike most of the trips I take, this one will not be a “working vacation” (I won’t be sitting in a room slaving over a laptop for 80% of the time I’m there). I think that’s why I’ve come to look forward to these Disney excursions so much. Not only have I really come to appreciate the fact that Disney World is not just for kids, but it’s one of the few places I can go where I’m always pretty certain I won’t have to worry about work. And there’s tons of great food there — most of our days spent at Disney are planned around meals.

There’s also, of course, plenty of entertainment — duh — in the form of rides, shows and other events you can partake in. Everything at Disney World is so tightly integrated into the experience, that even riding the bus from one place to another seems like part of the adventure (well, it does to me, anyway — I know my mom is no great fan of the bus transportation). Sure, you might argue that the whole place is representative of the pinnacle of American consumerist culture, but for better or for worse, I just don’t care. I’ve become a member of that workforce that has no regrets in taking a few days out of his normally busy schedule to enjoy a bout of pure hedonism for a while. And as hedonism goes, this is pretty clean fare — I have no regrets.

One of my favorite attractions on the whole Disney World campus is Test Track, the GM-sponsored ride that “simulates” the road testing new vehicles go through at the proving grounds before going on sale. There’s brake tests, cornering tests, hill climbs, a simulated crash test, and my favorite part: the high speed run leading up to the end of the ride. The ride is an on-rails sort of thing that uses specially designed vehicles; you’re not actually riding in production cars or anything, and most of the sights and sounds are simulated — but it’s a great time, and always on my list of things to do whenever I visit the park.

I’m a little concerned about the ride’s future, though, or at least my lack of certainty regarding it. GM’s contract to sponsor the ride apparently was good through the end of 2007. I’ve been trying to dig up some information on what’s going to happen now — are they renewing it? Are they giving it up? Given GM’s financial troubles of late, and how they’ve been dropping a lot of their less lucrative sponsorships (including NBC’s coverage of the Olympics), I have to wonder what their plans for this ride are. I really hope they don’t back out. If there’s any good news here, it’s that Test Track remains one of Epcot Center’s most popular attractions.

Earlier today, while looking for some info on this very subject, I found a message board where rumors and news about Disney World are discussed. Someone had asked the same question about GM’s Test Track sponsorship, but no answers were forthcoming (just a lot of speculation). One person posted that they hoped GM wouldn’t renew their sponsorship, so that the ride could be passed to “another car company that showed more of an interest in protecting the environment, like Toyota.” Oh, please. Without even touching on how ignorant and uninformed you’d have to be to think that GM isn’t doing at least as much pro-environment research as Toyota, I would sooner they just demolish the whole goddamn attraction than give it to the asshats at Toyota. I would certainly never ride on it again.

Under Toyota’s sponsorship, Test Track would probably be retooled to go something like this. You load sixteen people into a grass-green, elongated Prius-looking vehicle and take them on a 5-MPH cruise through cornfields and other “heartland of America” type places, while a Toyota PR voiceover reminds you that Toyota is the new American car company and how they care so damn much about our planet that they’re trying to take over the full-size V8 truck market whoops, uh, I mean, building hybrids and stuff. Rather than a 60-MPH speed run at the end of the ride, the car would convert into a boat and sail down a river, while the theme from “It’s a Small World” plays. As a bonus, Disney could recycle most of the scenery from the actual It’s A Small World ride at the Magic Kingdom and use it here. Everyone wins!

Then, after the ride is over, you exit into a showroom where there are eight copies of the same damn Toyota Camry in that done-to-death metallic beige color. Toyota reps will be on hand to take orders for them, and the cars will be delivered right to your hotel room. As a bonus, if you own an American car, Toyota will provide free “trade in and demolish service” where they’ll take your domestic and gleefully drop a piano on it for their next smarmy television commercial.

No, I’m not a big fan of Toyota. I think it has something to do with the fact that they’re one of the most (if not the most) popular car brands in America, and yet their lineup is the most sadly devoid of a single product that has even a hint of soul, much less anything performance-related. That really makes me more sad for the state of our country’s car-buying populace than anything, but I take it out on Toyota regardless.

Anyway, to end on a lighter note, I did some more poking around on those Disney forums, and had a good laugh when I found the “chicken fingers” topic. As you might know, the most infamous staple of restaurant menus throughout Disney World are the “chicken fingers.” When I was a little kid during my first few visits to the resort, I would eat nothing else. Most American kids are like that. Well, apparently, Disney has now discontinued the chicken fingers at every restaurant on Disney property. They’ve also converted their other kid-friendly staple, the mac ‘n’ cheese, to a fat-free variety.

Well, the Disney forums were up in arms. I literally could not believe how many people were boiling mad about this. One person actually lamented, “This is the worst thing to happen at Disney World EVER. I am totally not over exaggerating this.” Uh…I beg to differ? Although obviously dealing with kids who are picky eaters is hard enough without Disney yanking the old standbys out from under you, it’s hardly the end of the world. Particularly because the chicken fingers have been replaced with “nuggets” instead, which, while not quite the same, should still be similar enough…right?

I thought it was particularly amusing how many adults on the forums admitted to loving the chicken strips and being really upset about their demise. Wow, try some real food once in a while! That’s one thing we’ll certainly be doing while we’re there. Mmm…I can’t wait.

Topics: Disney World, travelogue, vacation