Oddball Update

Where did the time go? I was supposed to do the third quarter edition of this regular Oddball department back in September or October, but apparently time got away from me. Gee, what a surprise. Anyway, I’ve already cruised through the server stats, and have borne witness to the truly wacky, incredibly nutty, utterly bewildering array of search keywords people have been using to find my site over the last few months. Are you ready for a peek into the truly scary corners of the tubes we call the INTARWEBS? Then onward we go!

Because the list of funnies is quite long this time, I’m splitting it up by month.

August, 2007

• apogee games zz top (Was Frank Beard in an Apogee game? More like Perigee…)
• what causes an engine’s revolutions to drop? (Taking your foot off the gas?)
• keebler classic collection chocolate fudge sandwich cookies (Seriously, ever since I made that post about discontinued foodstuffs that I miss, people have been coming here in droves looking for all of it. The Keebler cookies take the win, with Bill Knapps chicken fricassee a close second. Seriously.)
• where’s my cake?.com (BAHAHAHA! Must be Harvie’s homepage.)
• haircuts for 12 year olds (Uhh…try Fantastic Sam’s? What do you want me to say?)
• mazda sv7 (Now every time I get in Apple’s car, I’m going to imagine it asking: “What were you doing in the hopper?”)
• vista sleep fails (Yes. It does. It certainly does.)
• babararacucudada (Hehehehehe)
• history channel’s nation divided problems with vista (What does Windows Vista have to do with the History Channel? I’ve heard of people blaming Microsoft for everything, but this is ridiculous.)
• play dead or alive (If you want to play a game, why are you on the Internet?)
• more warhead remastered (What?)
• gunbuster jung boob (Huh?)
• what happened to rotiboy in thailand? (I asked my sister-in-law, and she said they went out of business. Dude, I knew that was gonna happen — why do you think I ate so many roti buns last time I was there?)
• william schallert arbor drugs (Next search: william schallert tribbles.)
• mustang cobra sv7 (What’s with all of these cars turning into supervocs?)
• which auto shops are open on sunday (Uhh…call ‘em and ask?)
• dell fails to deliver (Yeah, you got that right.)
• breast animation (Freudian slip? Or somebody else playing DOAX?)
• superboy deodorant (WHAT?)
• neighborhood witch (Seriously, what are people expecting to find when they search for this stuff?)
• mylanta’s slogan (Bored much?)

September, 2007

• cannot find an owner for that domain (Well, I own this one.)
• system shock owned bioshock (I’d probably agree with you…)
• teh dead (Neologisms aweigh…)
• different serial number on xbox repair status page (It means your Xbox is now in Mexico doing tequila shots. Seriously, there was a huge spate of Xbox failure related searches after I posted about my Xbox dying. One dude even registered just so he could comment on my entry here.)
• does hitomi kiss lei fang (Dude, please get out more. Please.)
• red soda from the nineties (Well, now that’s being specific!)
• tartan films cease and desist (Did they put the legal smack down on somebody?)
• saleen sv7 (Sigh. It’s the Saleen S7.)

October, 2007

• elexis sinclair (Are you guys still going on about her?)
• panty (I think you want Victoria’s Secret; it’s over there, straight down that tube to the rest of the internets.)
• donut town redford (Yeah! But: It’s Donutown. DONUT OWN.)
• review smackdown here comes the pain (My review is: It sucks. Go away.)
• asuka strikes tab (Somebody wants to play Evangelion soundtrack on the guitar? SHIROH SAGISU TRIBUTE BAND!)
• knivey (Eh?)
• forgotten 80s food (’80s food? Okay, how about “Fruit Burple”?)
• soft rock saxophone solo with a synthesizer (Speaking of ’80s…)
• doughnuts bill knapps (What? Bill Knapps didn’t have doughnuts! …Or did they? Wait, weren’t they serving breakfast there for a while? I seem to remember oatmeal. With brown sugar. Whoa, trippy memories.)
• tahitian treat addictive (Jesus, I sure hope it isn’t…my boss just bought me a case of the stuff!)
• malevolent management (Have you tried talking to HR about this?)

November, 2007

• a dramatic reenactment of the doom comic (Oh my God. You don’t want that. Seriously, I have it, but you don’t want it.)
• sailor moon chat beseen (NOOO! NOOOOOOOOO!)
• deus ex invisible war lags after 10 minutes (How about, “Deus Ex Invisible War sucks after 10 minutes.”)
• is there going to be a 2008 mach z (What the hell is a Mach Z? A Nissan with a shaker hood?)
• keebler pizzeria discontinue (”Keebler Pizzeria”? I was talking about cookies!)
• thai hachiban ramen (It’s oh, so tasty! Get the roasted pork noodle!)
• robot chicken turbolift (BAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, WTF?)

And the number one most baffling entry in the list:

• sputnik and american garage door openings

Uhh…CCCP soda!

Tagged as humor, Site + Categorized as Site