Oddball Update

Wow, this day from hell just keeps trying to one-up itself as the worst day in my life. And that goes for my wife and I both. What a disaster—nothing is going right. Actually it’s more than stuff not going right…stuff is actually going out of its way to go wrong. First it was minor stuff, like me walking out of the house this morning and forgetting my lunch, dense fog everywhere, fuel tankers tipping over and exploding on I-75, and traffic being extra bad, especially for a Monday. Okay, I can deal with this stuff. But then came my wife’s car and the infamous missing oil fill cap. Followed by our lunch date getting semi-wrecked, followed by me taking the afternoon off to make sure that everything got set right with the car before the day was up.

Since then, more and more stupid crap has been piling on. Some old man in our community of retarded—I mean retired—freaks walked up to my wife’s car and started yelling and telling her off while she sat behind the wheel. My Trans Am’s brake rotors started making incredibly evil sounds, and my right rear tire suddenly sounds like it’s about to fall off—I’ve parked it until I can check the lugs. The bread my wife was baking got ruined somehow, even though the directions were perfectly followed. Then the chicken I was making for dinner came out of the oven 50% raw—we couldn’t figure out why, since we had again followed the directions and the chicken hadn’t been frozen. After dinner, I was getting the milk out of the fridge when the plastic iced tea jug caught on it and flew off the shelf. You figure it doesn’t matter since it was plastic, but somehow the jug landed on the cap, which shattered, and tea poured everywhere. Then when we went to get the Swiffer Wet mop, all of the wet cloths had inexplicably dried up like fossils in the desert. WTF?

Then came the final insult. I check my TiVo’s schedule to see which episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will be on this coming Saturday. In the last few weeks, I’ve been TiVoing this show every Saturday when it comes on the Sci-Fi Channel at 9:00 a.m. To my surprise, TiVo tells me MST is not on. For the next two weeks. I rush to the Sci-Fi Channel website and check their two-month schedule. MST isn’t on at all. Surfing the news, I find that Best Brains’ contract with Sci-Fi just ran out on January 31st—the episode of MST I saw last Saturday, “The Screaming Skull,” will probably be the last episode ever aired on televsion. Since renewing MST’s contract means you also have to renew the rights to every bad movie ever ridiculed in the show’s dozen or so seasons, no one’s going to plunk down that much money. MST is dead. If you want to see it again, you’ll have to pony up megabucks-per-tape from Rhino’s stupid collection. Way to blow your life savings. And so Sci-Fi fells another of my favorites. First Knight Rider, then Battlestar, now MST3K. Guess what, Sci-Fi? I no longer have any reason to watch your smacktard lineup. Kiss off.

Christ, what a day. And it’s not even over yet—now I’m just waiting for my CPU fan to die while I’m in the shower or something, and for my Athlon to overhead and melt down before I can save it. Or for somebody to drive drunk down the street and smash into KITT as he sits out on the driveway overnight. And before I go any further with this wild speculation, perhaps I’d better shut my mouth—somebody might be listening.

Categorized as Rants