Oddball Update

It’s a flying vermin! Duck! Those are the words I could have shouted as I was sitting in front of my widescreen TV tonight, only to look up and see a humongous, disgusting cockroach flying toward me. About a split second after I realized what it was, the damn thing dropped straight out of the sky toward my chair. I bolted and grabbed a can of Raid. By the time I got back, the little punk was sitting on top of my TV like a priss. A few hearty whacks from an issue of InStyle magazine and the vile creature was no more. “That’ll teach you to fuck with my TV!” I spat at it.

Ahem. Melodrama over. And now, on with tonight’s regularly scheduled update.

This evening marked the premiere of the brand-spanking-new third season of Star Trek: Enterprise on the otherwise redundant UPN. At least, I think it’s the third season. I seem to recall us having a second one already, but I can’t really be sure. I’ve been sleeping most of the time the show’s actually been on, as a result of its being one of the most boring hours of science fiction television—and certainly of Star Trek—that’s ever been conceived.

But this season ol’ Brannon and Braga have obviously realized their precious cash cow franchise was about to land itself in the big cesspool of overmilked crap, and they’ve cleaned house a bit. Okay, I’m about to turn off my elistim filter and get down to the nitty-gritty of what made tonight’s season premiere just work.

First and foremost, the plot. It’s good. Certainly the most interesting of plots ever featured on Enterprise, that much is for sure. Even better, B&B are actually pampering us with a story arc that will last the whole season: Archer & Company are traveling into the Delphic Expanse in search of the homeworld of the Xindi, an alien race that is hellbent on destroying humanity before it can destroy them, which the Xindi have learned will happen 400 years into the future. “Delphic Expanse” sounds a lot like “Delta Quadrant”, and it’s more than just a name—apparently it’s an area of the galaxy full of weird distortions, hostile aliens and crazy natural abnormalities. So the crew seems to be borrowing a page from Voyager here, but it’s one of Voyager’s better pages, so I’ll voice my support here. I was really drawn in by the story tonight.

Even better, with this serious new story comes a more serious feel. The entire show feels different. It’s no longer happy-go-lucky, ultra-banal, homogenized Trek set to orchestral music where everyone annunciates with all the skill of an English major. While it’s still set to orchestral music, that’s about where the similarities end—the show is gritty, grave, and it actually conveys a sense of danger for probably the first time in its existence. I definitely like it.

Other, more minor changes abound as well. The main theme has been pepped up a bit with a faster underlying rhythm, although the vocals and much of the music bed seems to be the same. This won’t stop the bitching of the people who’ve complained that the theme makes Enterprise sound more like Friends than a Star Trek series, but I kinda like it—and, in defense of Brannon & Braga, they don’t want you to know that this is a Star Trek series.

But next to all of that, the biggest changes this season all belong to Subcommander T’Pol. Yes, our resident Vulcan friend and Seven-of-Nine sexpot replacement, who walked around most of the first (one? two?) seasons acting severely constipated. Since her conservative dress and snooty mood was betraying the sexpot factor, Brannon & Braga decided to give T’Pol a facelift, as depicted below.

First of all, you’ll notice that T’Pol has been taking fashion advice from Counselor Deanna Troi, who is obviously speaking with her via a chronoton communications device from the future. I’m not quite sure who decided to bring back the girly pastel colors and the ‘80s-style pointless-belts-on-spandex-for-no-reason, but she actually looks pretty good, so I’ll just stop the bitching. They also gave her a new hairdo (and seemingly a new hair color), which is refreshing if nothing else.

Of course, all of this wasn’t enough, so in tonight’s episode they also had to have Trip come by T’Pol’s quarters to learn about the very “intimate art” of Vulcan Nerve Pinching…uh…no, that wasn’t it…well, Vulcan Nerve Something-That-Wasn’t-Pinching, which is basically like a really, really short massage. T’Pol takes off her top and displays—from a rear three-quarter view—probably enough naked breast to send most of your typical Star Trek fans into insulin-induced comas. It was all quite silly, but somehow at least more tasteful than the damn “oooh-lather-me-up-with-this-iridescent-blue-stuff” scene from the pilot episode. Yack.

Anyway, I actually enjoyed the third season premiere of Enterprise quite a bit, and hope to see more installments in this same vein. What? No, I do not mean T’Pol getting naked. I mean the cool story arc stuff. You believe me, right? (On a related note, most amusingly, it seems that tonight’s episode has sparked a new nickname for T’Pol on the newsgroups—TTT, or “Tastefully Topless T’Pol.” Or “Titpole”, depending on which newsgroup you happen to be reading. Aren’t Trek fans kind? Of course, this whole “TTT” nicknaming scheme conjures up recollections of our own “BBB,” but I won’t go there. For now.)

All right…that’s enough.

Categorized as Media/Television