Oddball Update

Okay, this is not a slam against women. This is a slam against arrogantly ignorant, lazy, stupid people who are so blind to their own failings, they end up blaming everyone else for their problems. 99% of the ones I’m mentioning today happen to be women, so there you go. The exposition: Last night, in the space of an hour, there were enough turgid images on my television screen to so overfill my mind of human stupidity that I find my cup runneth over, and so I’m here, allowing the Oddball Update to do what it does best: serve as a vehicle for my rants.

The MTV Video Music Awards 2003, featuring The Kiss™. You must have heard about it by now. Madonna, Britney Spears, and Christina Auberjoobiejoobiedoobiedoobieguilera all locking lips on the stage of the traditional biggest thug fashion show of the year. Immediately it was all over the papers, the TV, the radio news, everywhere. Madonna, Britney, Christina, and ultimately MTV had all succeeded in doing exactly what they intended: garnering attention. It makes sense, because Madonna and Britney in particular are both in such dire need of attention that they risk simply vanishing from the scene that made them famous. Even being caught farting in public would be an improvement for the “give a shit quotient” of these two.

The kiss, however, isn’t what pisses me off. I think it’s sad that Madonna, one-time pop queen of the ‘80s, has to resort to kissing a teenybopper on cable TV to flagellate her rapidly imploding career, but to me the whole event largely went unnoticed and uncared-about. But last night, during one of those typically inspiid “entertainment shows” like Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood (I forget which), they were interviewing some woman about Britney Spears’ involvement in “The Kiss”, and this daffy lady said (with a straight face, no less) that it’s symbolic of Britney’s final evolution from a girl into a woman.

Huh?!?!?!

Immediately I became irate, because the lady being interviewed had just succeeded in revealing that her definition of “being a woman” is “dressing in next to nothing and performing sexual acts on a TV program that’s probably being watched by kids half her age.” If you even for one minute think that the world would not have known Britney Spears was a woman until she tore off her pants and shook her ass on TV, then you are sadly mistaken. How stupid are these people? I just get so sick of hearing all these people make excuses for Britney’s lack-of-talent-disguised-by-sluttiness as simply a facet of her “becoming a woman.” You’re saying there are no women who don’t act like sluts?

Anyway, that wasn’t the end of the story—the next (and arguably more ridiculous) instance of human stupidity involved a segment about the TV matchmaking show Cupid, in which a bunch of naive young women sit on a panel, are forced to do stupid gradeschool activities with handsome-looking men, and have to let the viewing audience choose which man they are going to marry. Yes, that’s right—it’s essentially “Married By America!” As if the premise of the show itself wasn’t stupid enough, the complaints of two of its contestants have to take the cake.

Last night’s entertainment show interviewed a couple of the female contestants, who were both upset because, in their opinion, all the “good guys” had been voted off the show by the viewers at home. They played a clip from the last episode of Cupid, in which one of the women tearfully says on the air, “I just don’t know what America is thinking…” Uh…does anyone else find this ridiculous? YOU AGREED TO LET A BUNCH OF AMERICAN COUCH POTATOES CHOOSE YOUR HUSBAND! And you want to ask what America is thinking? Freakin’ bitch! Actually, I’d like to ask the same thing. What is America thinking, actually watching televised horseshit like this? Actually voting on which man you think some total stranger should marry? The viewers are idiots! The contestants are idiots! And not a single person on either side has a single scrap of dignity about them! WHAT! THE! FUCK!

Finally, the last straw. My wife has been telling me a bit lately about the catastrophic, televised weekly train-wreck that is Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica, a new reality show on MTV wherein a bunch of horny cameramen follow about Jessica Simpson and her new hubby, Nick Whats-His-Face (that dude from the boy band “98 Degrees”). My wife was simply beside herself at how mind-searingly stupid Jessica Simpson is. In a recent episode, she started to eat some Chicken of the Sea brand tuna which Nick had fixed for her, then she gave him a strange look and asked, “What am I eating? Is it chicken or tuna?” Nick simply stared at her like she’d lost her mind. It’s not hard to see why. Even if you get confused by the brand name, what kind of idiot still doesn’t know they’re eating tuna after they’ve taken a bite of it? Huh? Since when has chicken ever tasted even remotely like tuna?! (Besides when it’s rotten!)

So, curious as to what all this was about, I decided to check out Nick & Jessica’s crazy Newlyweds show last night to see the cataclysmic wreck with my own eyes. I wasn’t disappointed, but I also came away with some new knowledge: While Nick has far more common sense in his big toe than Jessica will ever have in her entire body, he is also a world-class fool. Because he married a woman he has nothing in common with. She grew up spoiled, she’s still spoiled, and she’s not willing to do anything that involves exerting physical effort—not even picking her own stuff up off the floor. She recently bought two bras and panties and didn’t realize until after she’d left the store that they cost $750. Nick grew up as one of 11 kids in his family and is a hardcore cheapskate. How the hell did these two ever get together?

So, the fireworks continue during every episode. Last night, Nick took Jessica and his sister-in-law camping. I mean…is he frickin’ looney? These girls aren’t the camping type! Sure enough, they bitched, whined, moaned, and sat in the tent the entire time. Jessica sat around and belched and left food in the tent overnight for the bears to come get. It was complete comedy. I lost count of the number of times I said “Oh, my God” in utter astonishment during that program. It’s so bad, it makes you wonder, are these two deliberately acting like idiots to garner ratings? If so, they’re doing so good a job, they threaten to destroy both of their careers (if there’s anything left there to destroy, anyway). I can’t see how anybody could have any respect for these people after this. Any little girls tuning in who thought they were going to be watching a Fairytale Romance every episode must now be crying uncontrollably in the corners of their padded rooms.

Anyway, I witnessed so much of this silliness yesterday, I couldn’t help but post about it. Jeeze…it’s sorta like having your worst fears about celebrities confirmed, in 30 frames a second and vivid color.

Categorized as Rants